I think im going to just keep this short. I had a lapse again, my head figting back and i dont know if its justified or am i just wrong and delusional.
If it was open, it would have been a safe haven night.
If anyone from the club reads this, please let me know how you think im going. Im sorry for asking but i just need to know.
I'll see you all soon, take care.
- Cosmik
I WANT TO BE A GIRL. IM DONE. I HAVE THE FEELING. I WANT TO DO THIS.
I haven't talked about it here so fuck it, Non Wednesday post and i want to talk about my Trans journey so far.
Part 1: Still Cis Tho!
I had thoughts and feeling in high school, i want to estimate year 10/11 so 2016/2017. It didn't go far, it lasted about a week and i didn't push it much more. It popped up a few more times but they were always minor, not quite ready to explore and commit.
Fast forward, Uni. I didn't have too many feeling early on, i was more concentrated on friends and making a board game club. I do remember one small burst in the back of a car where i was talking to a friend and holy crap i was the stereotypical "still cis though", of course i would press the button but that doesn't prove anything.... right?
It wasn't till at least 2023 where, as my partner can attest, The Picnic happened.
Made a lot of people question a lot of things. My brain got hooked. It wasn't major, but it was there, it started.
Questioning began, slowly but surely. It took time but around end of Feb / start of March 2025, I had the last push to actually try and commit. I'm going to spoiler it because its kind of embarrassing why i got the final push.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHY IT DID IT BUT I WAS WATCHING ASTRAL SPIFF PLAY RUIN AND I THOUGH "DAM I WISH I WAS A GIRL LIKE CASSIE THAT WOULD BE LIT". My brain had the image of Cassie in a skirt and i was "Fuck yeah i should wear a skirt, whish i could of done that in school.", THE CHARACTER DOSENT EVEN WEAR A SKIRT. Wtf brain why was it this, i had no control, this is just what did the final push to commit for some goddam reason.
ANYWAY, That started the Fuck it lets try trend in my brain and so i began.
New Section, Lets talk part 2: I have committed to the experiment, lets see how i feel.
That week i committed to seeing how i feel, i went to amazon and bought some basic feminine clothing (YES PROGRAMER SOCKS AND THE SPINNY DRESS WHAT A SHOCK). It was nice early on, it was fun to experiment. I started feeling, pretty, comfortable. I wouldn't say i felt any Dysphoria or Euphoria per se. I did a bunch of research, joined a discord, asked endless questions. I didn't want to do this alone, i wanted to ask and reassure the whole way. I got a GP that does specialize in HRT/GAC. I talked to my therapist but i didn't go to far in depth, unfortunately i had more important mental health shit to do... still do... fuck my memory.
At this point i was committed, told parents and friends, officially said fuck it my pronouns are She/They. Life was going good. Then winter started and i started another thing i wont mention and kind of half forgot about it all.
Then today.
All I'm feeling today is how much i wish oh god how much i wish i was a girl. I referred to myself as "Ya Girl" to my best friend and it felt so natural and right. I'm back on the Trans discord for my area. I need to try be social, i want more trans friends, god knows there's hundreds at TTS now.
I wish i had a commenting system but i think im going to try something else. If you want to ask questions, please feel free to email me. Look at the sidebar and you will see a contact email, idk why i want to do this but i want to.
Probably make a new reddit account as well. Officially swap to She/They online and see how i feel around people.
So, so far this is my story. I want to be a girl, I AM a girl. Ill get there, slowly, but surely.
I'll see you all soon, take care.
- Cosmik
Well I guess this is every Wednesday now. This week was pretty good; BAD projects going well, life improving, medical cannabis soon hopefully.
I don't know i feel strange. Things are getting alot better but i also have a feeling that im close to crossing Abhorys.
I wrote a note today. Not a suicide note of course cause thats not the way out for me, never die by your own hand or Stitches takes you to Skelvar and hell fucking no (Story about Skelvar is in the works!). I wrote a note for when i cross the line of this reality. I wont be dead, ill be back in like 3 weeks if im right. Oh well, that note will be saved till that day. Also for Sekter stuff check the spotify playlist, slight updates to the 'Eiko Abhorys' arc.
Well, guess see you in a week. Im sure i will get more comfortable doing this regularly.
I'll see you all soon, take care.
- Cosmik
Last week was strange, I challenged Stitches and whilst writing the post, i had multiple hits to my mental health.
I swear he is real. And its not long till the walk across Abhorys.
Im fine though, im getting there. New BAD Project soon hopefully.
I'll see you all soon, take care.
- Cosmik
All these years have passed me by, ups and downs all the time. I got convinced ages ago that I would never get better and that he would win. Recently, I found that I had made it through, though. I was quiet but certainly never silent.
So today, I say no more.
Stitches: My Demon, My Devil, My Hallucination. I have lived with you, but you only ever had the power to affect my perceptions. Whether it was my senses or thoughts, you were there to manipulate and corrupt just like you do with anyone with any hint of suicidal ideation. But I was special, wasn't I, and you knew that. I reckon it took you those 16 years to find me; then, once any ideation started, you had that lock on me; you had me in your grasp. Now, my enemy, you step back. Now you lose sight, or what I believe happened, you got a physical self in. You have the mental lock, but my location? Still a mystery to you. Therefore, my demon, I give you this. I live in a town called Wollongong. I go to UOW. Every Monday and Friday, I am there playing games. Now find me. Let's start this properly. Let's go through Abhorys and get ready for the end. Dusk approaches ever so slowly, but it's time. Stitches, Find me and reveal yourself with your host's full name. Let's start the era of the Newborn.
To all those not Stitches who read this. It's all going to be ok. I don't know exactly what will happen, but your life will continue just as normal. The world doesn't change until I get back. My estimate is three weeks after I leave. So, to all of you.
It'll be ok.
I'll see you all soon, take care.
- Cosmik
Just a small teaser for whats coming!
I'll see you all soon, take care.
- Cosmik
So, I'm back! I'm actually using my website again for the first time in way too long.
This Section of the site will be used as a combined big updates and blog. idk how interested people would be, but, eh, this is for me.
Quick Updates on the site:
I decided to move the KSArt so I could bring the site updates back and also add in this section.
I want to fix and move Subway Randomiser into the BAD projects. Cause it really is a BAD project, just made way before the first BAD Project.
A new BAD project is on the way! I won't spoil it, but the initials are B-CG!
Sekter143 the actual story section will be receiving updates, a lot has been added and alot was never added before so i have no limit on content i want in there.
There will be a portfolio section soon! Im growing up, i need a place to show off my capabilities. Itll mostly be small graphic design work but non the less important for me.
Honestly, im just happy i can do this site again. I had alot of issues with motivation and caring about anything, I did smaller things for myself outside of this but i really think its time to put the site back out there!
I'll see you all soon, take care.
- Cosmik